The Coaching Habits We Don’t Know We Have

Growing as a Coach — Part 2

Every coach develops habits.

Some of them are easy to recognize. Others become so much a part of the way we coach that we hardly notice them anymore. We have favorite kinds of questions, familiar ways of responding, places where we tend to move quickly and places where we tend to linger.

Most of these habits aren't necessarily bad. In fact, many grow out of our strengths. But when we become more aware of them, they can tell us something important about how we're showing up with our clients.

One of those habits for me has been stacking questions.

A Growth Edge I've Had to Notice

You probably know what I mean. Instead of asking one question and allowing the client to respond, I might ask a question, add another thought, and then follow it with a second—or even third—question.

It can sound something like this:

"What's most important to you about this decision? And what do you think is keeping you from moving forward? Is there something you're afraid you might lose?" Yikes!

There may be three perfectly good questions in there. The problem is that I've given the client three places to go.

I've noticed this tendency in my own coaching, and peer coaches and mentors have pointed it out to me as well. It's become one of my growth edges—something I continue to monitor because it tells me something about my presence with a client.

Why am I asking another question?

Am I giving the client enough room to think?

Do I really need to clarify what I just asked, or am I uncomfortable with the space that follows?

Would one simple question be enough?

That awareness helps me slow down.

Sometimes Our Habits Grow Out of Our Strengths

Active listening has always felt like one of my natural strengths as a coach. I enjoy listening to people. I tend to hear themes and connections, and I'm curious about what's underneath what someone is saying.

But I've learned that being naturally attentive doesn't mean I've mastered active listening. In fact, the longer I coach, the more expansive listening seems to become.

Listening isn't only hearing the client's words or remembering what they said five minutes ago. It's noticing a shift in energy. A word they keep repeating. A hesitation. An assumption buried inside a sentence. A change in tone. Something they said quickly and moved past. Something they didn't say at all.

And sometimes the most important part of listening is simply noticing what just happened—and resisting the urge to do something with it too quickly.

Notice. Pause. Ask.

I'm learning that those three simple movements can create a lot of space in a coaching conversation.

Notice what's happening with the client—and what's happening in me.

Pause long enough to let the moment breathe.

Then ask what seems most useful, without needing to package everything I've noticed into one beautifully constructed question. Ironically, learning to ask less can help me listen more.

We Can't Always Hear Our Own Habits

The tricky thing about coaching habits is that we're often the last ones to recognize them.

That's understandable. While we're coaching, we're listening, observing, thinking, responding, and trying to stay fully present with another person. We're not simultaneously sitting outside the conversation evaluating everything we're doing.

That's why reflection and feedback are so valuable.

Sometimes I'll finish a coaching conversation feeling pretty good about it, only to hear something different when I listen to the recording. A question was longer than I remembered. I moved on too quickly. I missed an opportunity to stay with something. Or, yes, I stacked several questions together when one would have been enough.

That kind of awareness isn't something I want to fear. I want to welcome it. Because once I can see a pattern, I have choices.

What Patterns Might You Notice?

Every coach has them.

Maybe you fill silence quickly. Perhaps you have a tendency to lead the client toward action. Maybe you ask long questions, offer interpretations too readily, or spend more time exploring the situation than the person experiencing it.

You may also discover patterns that reveal genuine strengths: the way you create safety, notice emotion, evoke insight, or help clients hear themselves differently. The goal isn't to scrutinize every coaching conversation until we become self-conscious. That can actually work against presence. The goal is awareness.

So here's my challenge for you this week:

Pay attention to one pattern in your coaching.

Don't start with, "What am I doing wrong?" Instead, approach it with curiosity: "What do I tend to do?"

If you record your coaching (with client consent of course), listen to a portion of a session. If you don't, take five minutes after your next client and reflect on what you noticed about yourself. Better yet, invite a trusted coach, mentor, or peer to listen and tell you what they notice.

You might discover a growth edge. You might discover a strength you haven't fully appreciated. Most likely, you'll discover a little of both. And that's part of becoming a better coach.

Sometimes We Need Another Set of Ears

One of the things I value most about mentor coaching is the opportunity to have someone else listen to our coaching—not simply to evaluate it, but to help us notice what can be difficult to hear ourselves.

That's an important part of my Coach-Pro Mentor Coaching program. Along with exploring the ICF Core Competencies and learning together you get individual feedback sessions and evaluations of your own coaching recordings.

The goal isn't perfection. It's greater awareness: recognizing what you already do well, identifying the patterns that may be limiting you, and choosing a few meaningful places to grow.

Learn more about Coach-Pro Mentor Coaching →