The Authentic Coach

As a follower of Jesus and a Life Coach, I'm sometimes challenged by the question of how to promote the types of services I offer. What methods work best with my personality type? How can I avoid the pitfalls of self-promotion while sharing my story? I believe these concerns arise from a desire to be a person of character, to honor God in all I do.While as Christian coaches our goal is not merely to gain a following, don't we all want to be surrounded by people who believe in us and speak highly of the service we offer? This begs the question, How can we live out and communicate who we are and what we do with integrity?

The Draw of Character.  While reflecting on the life of David, I came upon the following verse: And everyone who was in distress, and everyone who was in debt, and everyone who was bitter in soul, gathered to him. And he became commander over them. And there were with him about four hundred men. (‭1 Samuel‬ ‭22‬:‭2‬ ESV)‬‬‬ An instant following of 400 men...Not bad. Of course, David had already achieved hero status in the land. In fact, his fame was a big reason he was running from a raging king. What kind of men publicly associate with a guy hunted by a jealous king? In those days, potential followers couldn't simply hit the "like" or "follow" button. A greater, riskier amount of buy-in was necessary. One could assume these men had nothing to lose and therefore threw in their lot with David, but I believe they unashamedly rallied around him for certain reasons, much related to character.

1. David had a credible story. People want to follow a person of integrity, whose actions give them credibility. In David's case, it was often the testimonies of others that added to his credibility (1 Samuel 18:7; 21:11; 29:5). These people, from kings to paupers, told David's story, bolstering his good name in the land. What are others, particularly those we coach or mentor, saying about us? Are their testimonies helping our hurting our cause? As we encourage our clients to share their stories in the coaching session, what are some ways we can encourage them to tell our story as well? Do they know enough to tell it? While we can't control what others think or say about us, we can live out our stories in a Christ honoring manner, adding credibility to our character.

2. David lived out his values. He excelled at being a great warrior in King Saul's army and a loyal friend to Jonathan, the King's son. Honesty, loyalty, and courage were high on David's list of core values. He was convinced of these priorities for his life. As he invested his time and energy into these causes and relationships, his authenticity shined. Like David, living out our values may attract opposition and bring us some grief and difficulties. During these times, we might even question whether our approach is worth the effort. As our stories unfold, however, God will uphold our cause and establish us with a good name in the land.

3. David was his authentic self. What David offered was much more than a product or service. He gave his authentic self. He made himself vulnerable and transparent before God and those he trusted. That authenticity was judged as foolishness to some (2 Samuel 6:20-22), but ultimately it proved a strong foundation to his leadership. While what we offer as a service is important, the primary thing we give people is our authentic selves. We may feel inexperienced and ill-equipped to give our clients the support they need, but it's reassuring to remember we are offering much more than a service; we offer a relationship grounded in God's love and acceptance. Authenticity, including transparency and vulnerability, goes a long way in gaining the trust of our clients.

4. David met needs. Represented among David's ragtag group of followers were needs for community, purpose, protection, and hope, just to name a few. Likewise, our clients come to us with needs. Unmet needs can bring them to a place of feeling desperate. This doesn't seem like a great reason to follow someone at first, but people often choose out of desperation. Nothing else has worked. They have no creative solutions. Why not give this new option a try? What needs am I seeking to meet in the lives of those I serve through a coaching relationship? In other words, how will they be served if they work with me? What difference will it make?

Grounded in Character The authentic coach holds the power to draw people and resources into their circle of influence. Voltaire stated, "With great power comes great responsibility." How we harness the power of marketing, for example, is no small thing! Our character and integrity are at stake when we go down the marketing trail. Whatever methods we choose to implement, may we be constantly reminded that man looks on the outward appearance, but God sees the heart. (1 Samuel 16:7).

Coaching Through Failure

Goals are hard to set, much less achieve, when we struggle with a sense of failure. Even as I prepare to write this post I find myself struggling to believe, in light of my shortcomings, that I have something valuable to give to the world of Christian coaching. While failure, real or perceived, is not always immobilizing, it can be one thing which keeps us stuck and unable to move toward our dreams, desires and goals. Thankfully, it does not have to be. Someone has said, "Failure is not a statement about you. It’s a statement about what happened." While that is true in one sense, we can't deny that failure impacts deeply and personally. As coaches, how can we help those we serve overcome obstacles rooted in failure?

1. Confront False Perceptions. Perceived failure can wreak havoc with identity. When we allow failure to be the lens through which we see ourselves, God and others, the truth is exchanged for lies. The coach can help combat these false perceptions by asking questions such as, Where did that thought come from? What if God had more to say about this event? If you could hear, really hear, what God is saying about you in this moment, what might that sound like? 

In other words, what does God have to say about your client in the coaching session? What are some questions which can help them confront false self-perceptions which have built up over time and to find rest and contentment in God's acceptance and approval?

2. Take Time to Process. As time passes we often become aware of the back story surrounding our perceived failures.  These can be clues to God's grand design, only visible in hindsight. This new understanding brings fresh perspective, which then becomes some of the raw material we use to overcome failure and ensure future success. As coaches, we come alongside with acceptance, affirmation, and lots of good questions to walk our clients through this process of discovery.

Outside the coaching session, your client may need to go a step further by processing with a trusted friend or spouse. Whether we are coaching  someone through failure or the fear of failure, it's critical that we allow time for the rich and productive work of processing.

3. Re-Define Success. When we returned to the states following 16 years of service in Central Asia, I began struggling with the weight of failure. I had made some ministry decisions which kept our family apart for unhealthy periods of time. This led to a lifestyle which contradicted one of my core values of putting family first. As we processed this together, my wife and I realized that we needed to change things up in a way which allowed us to live out of those values. That meant extracting ourselves from work commitments to ensure more time together as a family. It was a painful yet necessary decision.

Over time, the sense of failure has been replaced by an awareness that success goes way beyond always making the right decisions. Success is about a willingness to re-discover who we are in light of God's truth and to re-align ourselves with our core values.

Go on. Take the First Step.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."  - Winston Churchill

Fear of failure can be overcome by taking the first step toward our dreams and goals. As we challenge our clients to take action, providing a healthy dose of encouragement and affirmation along the way, we can help them gain the courage they need to defeat fear and overcome failure.

Source Image: http://www.innocentive.com/blog/2013/10/28/why-embracing-failure-can-fuel-innovation/

Silence and the Coaching Session

As an introvert, I tend to welcome (and need) a good degree of silence.  I can sit comfortably for long periods, embracing silence as a close friend. I gain renewed energy and focus when I take time to soak in a quiet place. During times of silence, even a brief pause, I'm much more inclined to speak out of a greater sense of clarity. Outside of the coaching conversation, I have no problem with silence. But when silence overtakes a coaching session, I can start to feel uncomfortable. Too much "dead space" becomes unbearable, and I search for a way to end it. I recently invited a client to share his thoughts with me on our coaching experience. He proceeded to tell me that coaching, from his perspective, is geared toward rewarding the type-A verbal processors who are quick to speak.  I learned that this particular individual did not feel heard at times. He felt like he needed permission to wait and process in silence. Had I too often short-circuited the discovery process by interrupting silence with a question?

I didn't agree with my client's conclusion that coaching favors verbal processors, but I knew he was on to something which could help me grow as a coach. So I probed a bit further. It really came down to one question for me when working with non-verbal processors and/or clients who need space and time to think through an issue before a response: How comfortable am I with silence?

Father God invites us into the quiet place. Jesus often withdrew to lonely, quiet places (Luke 5:16). He realized the need for solitude and quiet. He was comfortable in the silence. And he served powerfully out of those retreats.

Tools to Transform the Conversation: Befriending Silence in the Coaching Session

• Practice solitude. We are more likely to encourage silence with our clients when we as coaches are comfortable with it. Thirty seconds of silence in the coaching session may feel like an eternity to us, but it could be really appreciated by our non-verbal, thoughtful client who needs space to process something. When we allow for this, one of the benefits is that we are more likely to get to heart level issues. We can start getting re-acquainted with silence by taking 5 minutes two or three times per day to hit the pause button. Find a peaceful place. Read a Psalm, say a prayer, or simply sit with God in silence. Silence will gradually become your friend again, and most likely you will crave more.

• Affirm the non verbal processor for their often well thought out responses even when it takes some time to get there. Affirm what they value and how they are wired. Phrases like these may be helpful: Take your time. It's alright to pause here for a moment. I appreciate the way you value time to think through and process decisions.

• Give your client an opportunity to prepare for the next session ahead of time. Give them a bit of homework which requires them to think through an issue before meeting with you. They will most likely come to the session feeling better prepared and more confident. That's a win for both of you! In my second to last session with the above mentioned client, I asked them to come to our final session with some feedback for me. I never dreamed they would take this so seriously! They went to work that week writing down their well thought-out reply, which proved to be very insightful and helpful.

In the natural world, the quietest places are often the deepest places...the deep sea, deep into the woods, a deep cavern. These can be frightening places to explore, involving a fair amount of risk and uncertainty. In the same way, navigating silence in the coaching conversation may feel risky and uncertain. However, as coach and client embrace silence, we allow God to take us deeper into those places of discovery.

Image Source: http://www.silencesounds.ca/