Soul-Care from the Cave

Read: I Samuel 22:1-2; Psalm 142 What does it look like to care for our own souls when hope feels like a distant memory? When what was promised is not delivered? David, forced to flee from a raging king, had made his temporary home in an abandoned cave. Bad news was imminent. Saul and his army were in hot pursuit, ready to take his life.

David was no stranger to caves. But this cave was more than a place of shelter for a tired shepherd boy. It was a place where he would learn resilience- how to relate to God in times of deep loss and confusion. How to steady his feet on God's promises and forge ahead with hope. Here are some ways we can learn, like David, to practice soul-care in the cave:

• Talk to God about your trouble. We can be brutally honest here. God is wise and sensitive, NOT fragile. He can handle our lists of complaints. I recently became extremely frustrated with a situation I was having to deal with. I was angry at others and God for not having solved my problems. In my frustration I said, "Leave me alone God!  Lay off!" Those words surprised me as they came out of my mouth.  I realized, however, that God was not shocked; he did not retreat. Those weren't the only words I said as I poured out my heart to Him. He heard every raw, gut-level complaint, and he loves me just the same. David said, "I pour out my complaint before him; I tell my trouble before him" (Psalm 142:2). We can tell God anything. He can't break and he won't run away.
• Know He Knows. We can be assured that God knows the exact place we're in and the trajectory we're on. He knows. From inside the cave, there is a lot we can't see, much we don't know. Our vision and perspective may be limited by things outside of our control. But rather than feeling forced into a corner by our limited understanding, we can choose to take advantage of the opportunities the cave gives to relate, reflect and regroup. There is a knowing which comes from this. We begin to say with David, "When my spirit faints within me, you know my way (Psalm 142:3). Yes, He certainly does.
• Give people the benefit of the doubt. People aren't always going to be in a position to help us. We come to seasons in life when nobody seems to understand or care. Those who try to help may give simple answers to complex questions. They just don't understand. This season in the cave is between us and God. That should release us from placing the burden of making it better on anyone else, and to accept them for who they are, not what they can or cannot do about our situation. David despaired, "there is none who takes notice of me; no refuge remains to me; no one cares for my soul." (Psalm 142:4) Fortunately that's not true all of the time. Just sometimes, and often in the cave.

I love how David ends his psalm in hope:

Bring me out of prison, that I may give thanks to your name! The righteous will surround me, for you will deal bountifully with me. - Psalm 142:7

I'm still learning the value of the cave, the treasures which God reserves for me when I'm willing to sit in the dark with Him for a season. How do you find ways to care for your soul in life's darker seasons? I'd love to add a few more strategies to my list.

Prayer: Jesus was sent into the wilderness (Matthew 4:1). David was forced into a cave. Whether I'm being sent to the hard places or feel forced into them by circumstances beyond my control, help me to know that You know my way. May I learn life-transforming lessons while walking with You in difficult times.

Image Source: http://all-free-download.com/free-photos/download/joseph_wright_art_artistic_218722.html

Coaching Through Failure

Goals are hard to set, much less achieve, when we struggle with a sense of failure. Even as I prepare to write this post I find myself struggling to believe, in light of my shortcomings, that I have something valuable to give to the world of Christian coaching. While failure, real or perceived, is not always immobilizing, it can be one thing which keeps us stuck and unable to move toward our dreams, desires and goals. Thankfully, it does not have to be. Someone has said, "Failure is not a statement about you. It’s a statement about what happened." While that is true in one sense, we can't deny that failure impacts deeply and personally. As coaches, how can we help those we serve overcome obstacles rooted in failure?

1. Confront False Perceptions. Perceived failure can wreak havoc with identity. When we allow failure to be the lens through which we see ourselves, God and others, the truth is exchanged for lies. The coach can help combat these false perceptions by asking questions such as, Where did that thought come from? What if God had more to say about this event? If you could hear, really hear, what God is saying about you in this moment, what might that sound like? 

In other words, what does God have to say about your client in the coaching session? What are some questions which can help them confront false self-perceptions which have built up over time and to find rest and contentment in God's acceptance and approval?

2. Take Time to Process. As time passes we often become aware of the back story surrounding our perceived failures.  These can be clues to God's grand design, only visible in hindsight. This new understanding brings fresh perspective, which then becomes some of the raw material we use to overcome failure and ensure future success. As coaches, we come alongside with acceptance, affirmation, and lots of good questions to walk our clients through this process of discovery.

Outside the coaching session, your client may need to go a step further by processing with a trusted friend or spouse. Whether we are coaching  someone through failure or the fear of failure, it's critical that we allow time for the rich and productive work of processing.

3. Re-Define Success. When we returned to the states following 16 years of service in Central Asia, I began struggling with the weight of failure. I had made some ministry decisions which kept our family apart for unhealthy periods of time. This led to a lifestyle which contradicted one of my core values of putting family first. As we processed this together, my wife and I realized that we needed to change things up in a way which allowed us to live out of those values. That meant extracting ourselves from work commitments to ensure more time together as a family. It was a painful yet necessary decision.

Over time, the sense of failure has been replaced by an awareness that success goes way beyond always making the right decisions. Success is about a willingness to re-discover who we are in light of God's truth and to re-align ourselves with our core values.

Go on. Take the First Step.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."  - Winston Churchill

Fear of failure can be overcome by taking the first step toward our dreams and goals. As we challenge our clients to take action, providing a healthy dose of encouragement and affirmation along the way, we can help them gain the courage they need to defeat fear and overcome failure.

Source Image: http://www.innocentive.com/blog/2013/10/28/why-embracing-failure-can-fuel-innovation/

Silence and the Coaching Session

As an introvert, I tend to welcome (and need) a good degree of silence.  I can sit comfortably for long periods, embracing silence as a close friend. I gain renewed energy and focus when I take time to soak in a quiet place. During times of silence, even a brief pause, I'm much more inclined to speak out of a greater sense of clarity. Outside of the coaching conversation, I have no problem with silence. But when silence overtakes a coaching session, I can start to feel uncomfortable. Too much "dead space" becomes unbearable, and I search for a way to end it. I recently invited a client to share his thoughts with me on our coaching experience. He proceeded to tell me that coaching, from his perspective, is geared toward rewarding the type-A verbal processors who are quick to speak.  I learned that this particular individual did not feel heard at times. He felt like he needed permission to wait and process in silence. Had I too often short-circuited the discovery process by interrupting silence with a question?

I didn't agree with my client's conclusion that coaching favors verbal processors, but I knew he was on to something which could help me grow as a coach. So I probed a bit further. It really came down to one question for me when working with non-verbal processors and/or clients who need space and time to think through an issue before a response: How comfortable am I with silence?

Father God invites us into the quiet place. Jesus often withdrew to lonely, quiet places (Luke 5:16). He realized the need for solitude and quiet. He was comfortable in the silence. And he served powerfully out of those retreats.

Tools to Transform the Conversation: Befriending Silence in the Coaching Session

• Practice solitude. We are more likely to encourage silence with our clients when we as coaches are comfortable with it. Thirty seconds of silence in the coaching session may feel like an eternity to us, but it could be really appreciated by our non-verbal, thoughtful client who needs space to process something. When we allow for this, one of the benefits is that we are more likely to get to heart level issues. We can start getting re-acquainted with silence by taking 5 minutes two or three times per day to hit the pause button. Find a peaceful place. Read a Psalm, say a prayer, or simply sit with God in silence. Silence will gradually become your friend again, and most likely you will crave more.

• Affirm the non verbal processor for their often well thought out responses even when it takes some time to get there. Affirm what they value and how they are wired. Phrases like these may be helpful: Take your time. It's alright to pause here for a moment. I appreciate the way you value time to think through and process decisions.

• Give your client an opportunity to prepare for the next session ahead of time. Give them a bit of homework which requires them to think through an issue before meeting with you. They will most likely come to the session feeling better prepared and more confident. That's a win for both of you! In my second to last session with the above mentioned client, I asked them to come to our final session with some feedback for me. I never dreamed they would take this so seriously! They went to work that week writing down their well thought-out reply, which proved to be very insightful and helpful.

In the natural world, the quietest places are often the deepest places...the deep sea, deep into the woods, a deep cavern. These can be frightening places to explore, involving a fair amount of risk and uncertainty. In the same way, navigating silence in the coaching conversation may feel risky and uncertain. However, as coach and client embrace silence, we allow God to take us deeper into those places of discovery.

Image Source: http://www.silencesounds.ca/